Written on 1st of June, 2012
10:20am Today started badly and it seems like its going down hill really fast. I may be alone in this but its like one of those days that makes me feel really down and very agitated. Actually, if I want to be honest with myself, I have been feeling agitated and irritated since yesterday and just escalated over night. What’s bordering me its personal and I’m not sure if I know exactly what it is or if its multiple of things but I know I had the same feeling 2 weeks before I left the states. The issue (s) was sparked by a conversation I had with a friend. The agitation subdue when PC started, I’m guessing due to the excitement of starting PC but its now back with full vengeance. I really hope it does not affect my sleep the way it did before leaving the states. I am very sorry for my vagueness and for being secretive, its not that I don’t want to share what’s bugging me, because I promised you all to be open and honest, its just that I myself don’t really know what it is. Its like I know what is bordering me but I don’t know at the same time. Nothing and everything is bugging me. I want peace and quiet, I want privacy but people are everywhere. I can’t even find solitude in my own room cause I have a roommate so I had to skip one of our sessions just to be alone to vent and hopefully a little bit of my agitation will go away as I write. I don’t want to talk about it or try to figure it out cause when I try I feel like crying which is funny cause that’s exactly what I want to do, I want to have a really good cry to get it all out but tears won’t come out, its like its stuck in my throat. I don’t feel like smiling when I’m being spoken to, actually, I don’t want to be spoken to. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE!!! (sigh). Just pray, breath, and accept the things you can’t change or control cause I definitely do not have control over my thoughts. Just going to listen to music (its always therapeutic for me) and lay down on my bed. I’m so tempted to just skip all the sessions today but will see how I feel in 10min and may head back.
Between 5 and 6pm
I head back to session 20min after. I was still feeling crappy but slightly calmed. However, today ended as a very good day because all my prayer request this morning were answered. We got to know which language/region we were going to be placed. I would be learning Runyoro/Rutooro which means that I got placed somewhere in the Western Uganda for my future site. Thats great news because its a bit cooler there than the rest of the country and there is tourist attractions so great places to see. Not only am I going to the west, I would be surrounded by 9 other great PCVs from my group. Lastly, though I still have the latter issues (expressed earlier today) that I’m trying to deal with, God also answered my prayer by giving me peace of mind. So all in all, today was actually a good (not great) day.